How long would you allow them to be your friend?

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You know, there are days that I seriously do NOT know what I would do without people like my brother and sister. People like my mom who has always been there for me.. pushing me when I need to be pushed, loving me when I need to be loved. People like my dad who always seems to say “I love you” right at the exact moment I need to hear it. There was one Valentines day where every other girl I knew (

 when I was a teenager ) got flowers… I didn’t. Mom got a hold of dad, and my daddy came home with flowers for me. I will never ever EVER forget that… it spoke volumes to me and I knew.. I KNEW my importance with things like that. And then I have all my friends, young and old who have been there to encourage me, provide me with resources… never ever letting me sit down. It is SO important to encourage one another … to FORGIVE and not point blame. But we need to keep in mind that the most important form of encouragement.. are the words we say to ourselves. If we REFUSE to know that we can be loved, if we refuse to know that we are worth something than even someone who would give their life for you could not bring you out of it. I know sometimes life hurts to a point where we just feel like we can not lift our heads. I am guilty myself of saying NO FORGET IT I GIVE UP I DONT CARE. I have been guilty of begging to go to sleep and just not wake up. I know what it is to be at the bottom. But somehow tonight I just know that if I give up completely, it boils down to my responsibility. DO I want my life to change? DO I truly want to be happy? Then I need to decide that I am worth the effort to make the change. TO let others point me in the right direction, to encourage me.
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There is a season and purpose for everything.

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This song has been playing over and over in my heart and mind. There are some much needed changes coming up in my lief, and if I am honest about some of them.. some of them scare me, just a little. But a good friend had reminded me tonight that we always have a choice. I can let the fear of change bring me down and paralyze me, or I can stand up again and realize that I may not like every change, every turn in the road in my life, but I will continue to move forward with purpose. I was created for purpose. 

 

My Art

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It’s a bit of a mixture, I draw, take pictures, manipulate them… just thought I’d share some ^_^

This is me being goofy ^_^

I took this cloud picture while I was living in FL

These are my children. My Son was so funny about walking on the tracks ” what if a train comes and squashes us?”  he asks. I told him I wouldn’t let that happen “ok, but if it does, you are cleaning up the mess” He had said

This is my favorite flower, and it was growing in my back yard, I had fun with the colors ^_^

I love to match pictures with quotes. This is my face again I was playing with color and just was in a darker mood lol

 

That’s all for this moment, will post more soon. 

 

 

*sigh*

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As the darkness of the early morning embraces me, the thoughts of my heart shift endlessly with the ticking of the clock.
It is part of my being to press on, despite my world seemingly crumbling in and around me. I have always managed to fish out any hope left, cling to it and believe that some how, some way, everything will work through. And even though right now my heart aches and my words will reflect that ache, I still know deep with in my being that life will go on.
Tonight I just feel so weary. The thoughts, memories, emotions that are running through my heart, my mind don’t seem to want to rest any time soon.
How does one forgive herself of the regrets? How does she accept that she’s worthy of happiness too?

He’s my favorite song

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Normally I reflect on Elijah’s story near his birthday, but in the last two days I’ve talked about him twice, so I thought I would share it. 

It was Father’s day when I watched the two lines appear on the pregnancy test. This was my second pregnancy, and so I thought I knew what to expect. With Kaylin I got the worst case of morning sickness you could imagine. I was sick 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to a point where I had to go to er just to have help with dehydration and ketones. With her I had to take zofran just to tone it down to constantly feeling nauseated but able to not get fully sick. Other than that, really, the pregnancy was a breeze. So when these two lines appeared, confirming what I knew in my heart to be true, I was prepared for the nausea, but not for what would happen at 24 weeks. 

I had been at a church service, and it was in the evening. People get to socializing and what not, so it was fairly late when we got home. And, as you would expect with pregnancy, lol, I headed right for the bathroom. When I sat down, I felt a rush of warm… it was blood and a lot of it. I started shouting for my husband to come, I was in full panic almost immediately. We didn’t live far from the hospital, so he  got some towels and off we rushed to the ER. 

When the ER Doctor went to look at what was going on, it caused a second woosh of warm blood. I won’t be graphic about it, but there was a lot. They hooked me up to an IV, and prepared me for the worst case scenario… D and C. They were prepared to ‘take care of things’ immediately, fearing that I was going to bleed to death. I was trying very hard to remain calm. I could feel Elijah moving, it was only the fluttering as it was 24 weeks… but I knew it was him and in my heart I was determined to not let them go to “worst case scenario”

I had a very good OBGYN who determined that we would first take ultrasounds, would get a feel for what was going on, and would admit me for observation. 24 hours would decide.  

The ultrasound was not the normal “aww look there’s a baby” kind. They would not let me see the screen, the faces and expression neutral as they pointed, nodded and noted everything they were finding. A tear would find it’s way down my cheek in the dark. I started to hum a lullabye, for some reason I can’t recall which one, but I did what my heart knew to do. It calmed me down, and ELijah responded to it. He started to move for the ultra sound, they knew he was thriving.

Overnight, they checked me every ten minutes or so.. the bleeding slowed and I was released to go home on strict bed rest. not even allowed to walk to the car. the only thing I could get up for was to go to the bathroom… and a shower every few days. 

I had developed a blood clot… and it ruptured, thankfully, early enough to just bleed out. 

It was a long pregnancy being in bed for just about the entirety of it, but it was worth it. Elijah was worth every moment I endured. 

Elijah loves music, by the way. He sings when he’s happy… and when he’s sad… he hums, just like momma had done. 

Pouting

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It’s one of those days where my heart lets out a long, sad. sigh. Sometimes it feels like life is a heavier burden than I can bear. I am successful, most days, to keep moving forward though so many things pull at me, gripping at my legs like deep mud… but just once in a while I want to sit in the mud and pout. 

 

My Skunk Blanket

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There is something comforting in my old tattered, worn out skunk blanket. 

Though I was incredibly young when my mom made it for me, I can still recall glimpses of images of her laying out the pattern, pinning the satin around the edges. My mom didn’t make things too often, so this was done with me in mind specifically, each piece sewn together has love in each and every stitch. 

The blanket is in the shape of “Flower”, the skunk from the movie “Bambi” – mostly pink with black to make the outline of the character. A touch of yellow in the flower in which it holds.. and white satin edges. Well, that’s what it used to look like anyway. The satin has been rubbed off by growing fingers, the material has faded and come apart from washing it for the past 30 years. But it is still the one I prefer when I’ve had a rough day. 

Recipe for unwinding: skunk blanket that was made with love, a warm cup of tea, milk and sugar, please. 1 good book, a movie might do, in either case the blanket must be present.

Thanks mom.