Sometimes I think that insecurity can be like a poison that enters your system so slowly, it’s impossible to know the damage it’s doing until it’s either almost too late, or actually is too late.
A few years ago I was in this work group of friends. It was so much fun. We did our best to support one another, to keep each other encouraged on our job, to share ideas and give heads up on things that would go on with our job. We would joke a lot and have so much fun. It made the shifts not so bad… and as stressful as the job could be at times, it made it a little easier when you had the camaraderie that we had.
But there was a problem. At this point in my life I was still very insecure with who I was. I did not deem myself worthy to have friends. I loved that I had friends, but I felt that I had to be something that I was not in order for them to like me. Please don’t misunderstand me to mean that they put me in that position, because they did not, *I* put me in that position. I did this with everyone, what ever it took to ‘fit in’ I would go to those lengths… and because these were “online’ friendships it was, at least for a time, easier to appear to be something that I was not.
I also craved so much attention, because that’s where I had placed my value. I had some how gotten the idea that the more I was acknowledged, the more I was valued… and if there was a lull in the attention I was getting then I felt that I was losing my value and I would panic. It became an addiction, and this addiction when I hit the bottom of it became a regret. To give you an idea of just how serious this was, when I couldn’t get a hold of someone that I felt I needed to hear from, I would automatically assume that they were mad at me… maybe they found out that I had fudged a detail, maybe they don’t love me any more… it got to a point that I would literally pace the floor ringing my hands in tears just absolutely convinced that I was a piece of shit and I would be harder on myself than anyone else could be. And when they would get a hold of me it was like another hit of that ‘drug’ and I’d be ok for a little while again.
I know wishes don’t often change anything, but I do wish I had known then, what I know now. I finally truly get it that if anyone does like/love me, it’s worth them liking/loving me for who I truly am. That it is impossible to be everything to everyone, and that’s actually OK. To make a long story short, I slipped on a detail, some things came to light… some things were truly nothing more than misunderstandings but because of my other webs I weaved who could sort out truth from lies? Honestly there was so much that I wasn’t even sure which was which anymore. And my world came crashing to a halt, I lost friends. I hurt one in particular. She trusted me, and I let her down. The regret of that still rubs my heart from time to time… tonight being one of those times thus the reason for this blog tonight.
This set me into a tail spin and mistakes just piled on top of each other. I added to my regrets… and eventually I hit bottom. Thankfully I had a few truly faithful friends who rolled the storms with me… called me out on the fire I was playing with, and let me hit the bottom. The difference is when I hit the bottom, they reached out their hands and encouraged me to change for the better. They encouraged me to face truths I found too painful before. And here I am now, two years later still stretching, still growing… but, for a lack of a better term lol still “sober”. I do still want people to like me of course! But I am ok when I’m not the favorite. I am even ok when someone would rather not be around me… I’ve discovered lol -tar de dar- that often the ones that don’t really want to hang around me… I don’t want to hang around them either lol so what was the big deal before? I guess I won’t ever understand that.
To the woman I hurt. Though you will probably never read this, I did offer you an apology right after it happened, but I see now that without understanding it was just an apology made out of fear of losing you. I did care about you, so much. I care about you still and actually still think of you often. I hope that you are doing well, that you are enjoying life. I do sometimes wish that we could be friends again, even knowing that it wouldn’t be the same as it would be before. I want to tell you that I am sorry for what happened, for the hurt it caused you. I’m sure walking away was what you needed to do, and I think in a way I needed you to walk away too… so that I could see more clearly so that I could become who I am now. Thank you for being you.
To those who were with me while I hit the bottom, thank you for putting up with me lol. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me when I was being foolish. I didn’t always like it, and sometimes I was angry with you for a little while… but it was true friendship and it was what I needed.
And to those just reading as spectators… have you ever learned something the hard way? I know this is me being so incredibly open, but I just needed to be tonight. I still have such a rough road ahead of me, but now that I have decided that I just need to do me… I’ve made some solid decisions… and it feels so much better than the shaky ground I thought I could maintain. I’m actually excited for my future 🙂