My “sorry” was genuine

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Tonight I have made a decision. At first, it was partly a knee jerk reaction done in anger, but the more I think about the situation the more I realize I am done with certain things. 

I have made many mistakes, and some pretty bad ones I wish I could undo. But we all know that once you do something it can not be undone, can not always be forgotten. I have hurt people in a very deep way, I have had a period of time in my life where I was one hell of a selfish bitch. I regret every moment. But I can’t change it. I have repented for these things, made allowance for people to heal from what I’ve done. I feel that honestly I have gone way out of my way to show that I am truly sorry, that I realize what it is that I’ve done and that I’ve changed. 

And I would LOVE to be forgiven. But I can’t force people to forgive me. Forgiving me doesn’t mean you bring the situation to my attention all the time either. I’m sorry but when I have asked for forgiveness, repented of my actions AND put action behind my words there is only so long I can be “sorry”. I don’t think that it is fair for me to apologize to you for almost a year. So perhaps if the hurt is that deep, than maybe for your sake, and for mine we should part ways. Maybe the parting of ways is what it takes to truly heal. But do yourself a favor, remember that holding grudges in the end hurts you more than it hurts me. 

I am a different person now. I have by no means “arrived” but I am on the right road. The road to healing for myself, to being a better more honest and genuine person. Maybe some day we can cross paths again and you will have the opportunity to see that my “sorry’ was real. 

 

 

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Regret

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Sometimes I think that insecurity can be like a poison that enters your system so slowly, it’s impossible to know the damage it’s doing until it’s either almost too late, or actually is too late. 

A few years ago I was in this work group of friends. It was so much fun. We did our best to support one another, to keep each other encouraged on our job, to share ideas and give heads up on things that would go on with our job. We would joke a lot and have so much fun. It made the shifts not so bad… and as stressful as the job could be at times, it made it a little easier when you had the camaraderie that we had. 

But there was a problem. At this point in my life I was still very insecure with who I was. I did not deem myself worthy to have friends. I loved that I had friends, but I felt that I had to be something that I was not in order for them to like me. Please don’t misunderstand me to mean that they put me in that position, because they did not, *I* put me in that position. I did this with everyone, what ever it took to ‘fit in’ I would go to those lengths… and because these were “online’ friendships it was, at least for a time, easier to appear to be something that I was not. 

I also craved so much attention, because that’s where I had placed my value. I had some how gotten the idea that the more I was  acknowledged, the more I was valued… and if there was a lull in the attention I was getting then I felt that I was losing my value and I would panic. It became an addiction, and this addiction when I hit the bottom of it became a regret. To give you an idea of just how serious this was, when I couldn’t get a hold of someone that I felt I needed to hear from, I would automatically assume that they were mad at me… maybe they found out that I had fudged a detail, maybe they don’t love me any more… it got to a point that I would literally pace the floor ringing my hands in tears just absolutely convinced that I was a piece of shit and I would be harder on myself than anyone else could be. And when they would get a hold of me it was like another hit of that ‘drug’ and I’d be ok for a little while again. 

I know wishes don’t often change anything, but I do wish I had known then, what I know now. I finally truly get it that if anyone does like/love me, it’s worth them liking/loving me for who I truly am. That it is impossible to be everything to everyone, and that’s actually OK. To make a long story short, I slipped on a detail, some things came to light… some things were truly nothing more than misunderstandings but because of my other webs I weaved who could sort out truth from lies? Honestly there was so much that I wasn’t even sure which was which anymore. And my world came crashing to a halt, I lost friends. I hurt one in particular. She trusted me, and I let her down. The regret of that still rubs my heart from time to time… tonight being one of those times thus the reason for this blog tonight. 

This set me into a tail spin and mistakes just piled on top of each other. I added to my regrets… and eventually I hit bottom. Thankfully I had a few truly faithful friends who rolled the storms with me… called me out on the fire I was playing with, and let me hit the bottom. The difference is when I hit the bottom, they reached out their hands and encouraged me to change for the better. They encouraged me to face truths I found too painful before. And here I am now, two years later still stretching, still growing… but, for a lack of a better term lol still “sober”. I do still want people to like me of course! But I am ok when I’m not the favorite. I am even ok when someone would rather not be around me… I’ve discovered lol -tar de dar- that often the ones that don’t really want to hang around me… I don’t want to hang around them either lol so what was the big deal before? I guess I won’t ever understand that. 

To the woman I hurt. Though you will probably never read this, I did offer you an apology right after it happened, but I see now that without understanding it was just an apology made out of fear of losing you. I did care about you, so much. I care about you still and actually still think of you often. I hope that you are doing well, that you are enjoying life. I do sometimes wish that we could be friends again, even knowing that it wouldn’t be the same as it would be before. I want to tell you that I am sorry for what happened, for the hurt it caused you. I’m sure walking away was what you needed to do, and I think in a way I needed you to walk away too… so that I could see more clearly so that I could become who I am now. Thank you for being you. 

To those who were with me while I hit the bottom, thank you for putting up with me lol. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me when I was being foolish. I didn’t always like it, and sometimes I was angry with you for a little while… but it was true friendship and it was what I needed. 

And to those just reading as spectators… have you ever learned something the hard way? I know this is me being so incredibly open, but I just needed to be tonight. I still have such a rough road ahead of me, but now that I have decided that I just need to do me… I’ve made some solid decisions… and it feels so much better than the shaky ground I thought I could maintain. I’m actually excited for my future 🙂 

 

Thinking OUTSIDE The Box

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I was reading some replies to a status message on Facebook. The guy had mentioned something to the effect of please don’t vote for Obama again…. now this isn’t intended to be a political post, so please don’t read it as such. What I’m focusing on is the manner in which a few young women had replied to this post. They obviously disagreed with the young man, but instead of making a precise clear argument to state their case they resorted to name calling and foul language. And although I can have a mouth myself, I completely tuned out to anything they might have to say on the matter because all they were spewing were angry words revealing a temper tantrum they were having because someone had an opposing view. 

To make things more interesting when I mentioned that all I saw was temper and foul language, I was told that I looked stupid for even saying something on the thread… LMAO WTF? She went on to say to me that what she was showing was passion for her country, sputtered when I said intelligent people show passion in a different manner with words that have more meaning than what she could find in the urban dictionary. 

It got me to thinking though, the one who was having a fit and all for social programs, is one who makes full use of all those programs. Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with needing help, I am one on the low income level and need some help myself. But it got me to thinking, maybe the stances we take are solely born out of the circumstances in which we find ourselves in. perhaps that reaching a rounded decision on anything requires one to step outside their box, and think from beyond their own perspective? It’s easy to get defensive when you feel that something is being taken away from you when you may not understand the reasons behind it, or what is or should take place instead of what you already have. But perhaps if you allowed yourself to think beyond your perspective you might see the path a little more clearly, know when to bend with the winds of change and know when it’s important to stand your ground. 

Just a thought anyway 🙂 

Closing up

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Right now my heart hurts so profoundly, so deeply that I just want to close up from the world. I want to make my heart so hard that no one would ever be able to penetrate it ever ever again. I struggle with making feelings as strong as these public, because I feel almost as though I’m just being a whiny bitch. But where else do I go with these feelings when they are so strong they feel like they are going to cause me to drown? I have friends I could lean on sure, but this time the ache is so strong I feel as though there is no comfort for me. 

I will be positive another day, right now.. I just hurt.