There is a season and purpose for everything.

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This song has been playing over and over in my heart and mind. There are some much needed changes coming up in my lief, and if I am honest about some of them.. some of them scare me, just a little. But a good friend had reminded me tonight that we always have a choice. I can let the fear of change bring me down and paralyze me, or I can stand up again and realize that I may not like every change, every turn in the road in my life, but I will continue to move forward with purpose. I was created for purpose. 

 

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My Art

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It’s a bit of a mixture, I draw, take pictures, manipulate them… just thought I’d share some ^_^

This is me being goofy ^_^

I took this cloud picture while I was living in FL

These are my children. My Son was so funny about walking on the tracks ” what if a train comes and squashes us?”  he asks. I told him I wouldn’t let that happen “ok, but if it does, you are cleaning up the mess” He had said

This is my favorite flower, and it was growing in my back yard, I had fun with the colors ^_^

I love to match pictures with quotes. This is my face again I was playing with color and just was in a darker mood lol

 

That’s all for this moment, will post more soon. 

 

 

*sigh*

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As the darkness of the early morning embraces me, the thoughts of my heart shift endlessly with the ticking of the clock.
It is part of my being to press on, despite my world seemingly crumbling in and around me. I have always managed to fish out any hope left, cling to it and believe that some how, some way, everything will work through. And even though right now my heart aches and my words will reflect that ache, I still know deep with in my being that life will go on.
Tonight I just feel so weary. The thoughts, memories, emotions that are running through my heart, my mind don’t seem to want to rest any time soon.
How does one forgive herself of the regrets? How does she accept that she’s worthy of happiness too?

He’s my favorite song

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Normally I reflect on Elijah’s story near his birthday, but in the last two days I’ve talked about him twice, so I thought I would share it. 

It was Father’s day when I watched the two lines appear on the pregnancy test. This was my second pregnancy, and so I thought I knew what to expect. With Kaylin I got the worst case of morning sickness you could imagine. I was sick 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to a point where I had to go to er just to have help with dehydration and ketones. With her I had to take zofran just to tone it down to constantly feeling nauseated but able to not get fully sick. Other than that, really, the pregnancy was a breeze. So when these two lines appeared, confirming what I knew in my heart to be true, I was prepared for the nausea, but not for what would happen at 24 weeks. 

I had been at a church service, and it was in the evening. People get to socializing and what not, so it was fairly late when we got home. And, as you would expect with pregnancy, lol, I headed right for the bathroom. When I sat down, I felt a rush of warm… it was blood and a lot of it. I started shouting for my husband to come, I was in full panic almost immediately. We didn’t live far from the hospital, so he  got some towels and off we rushed to the ER. 

When the ER Doctor went to look at what was going on, it caused a second woosh of warm blood. I won’t be graphic about it, but there was a lot. They hooked me up to an IV, and prepared me for the worst case scenario… D and C. They were prepared to ‘take care of things’ immediately, fearing that I was going to bleed to death. I was trying very hard to remain calm. I could feel Elijah moving, it was only the fluttering as it was 24 weeks… but I knew it was him and in my heart I was determined to not let them go to “worst case scenario”

I had a very good OBGYN who determined that we would first take ultrasounds, would get a feel for what was going on, and would admit me for observation. 24 hours would decide.  

The ultrasound was not the normal “aww look there’s a baby” kind. They would not let me see the screen, the faces and expression neutral as they pointed, nodded and noted everything they were finding. A tear would find it’s way down my cheek in the dark. I started to hum a lullabye, for some reason I can’t recall which one, but I did what my heart knew to do. It calmed me down, and ELijah responded to it. He started to move for the ultra sound, they knew he was thriving.

Overnight, they checked me every ten minutes or so.. the bleeding slowed and I was released to go home on strict bed rest. not even allowed to walk to the car. the only thing I could get up for was to go to the bathroom… and a shower every few days. 

I had developed a blood clot… and it ruptured, thankfully, early enough to just bleed out. 

It was a long pregnancy being in bed for just about the entirety of it, but it was worth it. Elijah was worth every moment I endured. 

Elijah loves music, by the way. He sings when he’s happy… and when he’s sad… he hums, just like momma had done. 

Pouting

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It’s one of those days where my heart lets out a long, sad. sigh. Sometimes it feels like life is a heavier burden than I can bear. I am successful, most days, to keep moving forward though so many things pull at me, gripping at my legs like deep mud… but just once in a while I want to sit in the mud and pout. 

 

My Skunk Blanket

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There is something comforting in my old tattered, worn out skunk blanket. 

Though I was incredibly young when my mom made it for me, I can still recall glimpses of images of her laying out the pattern, pinning the satin around the edges. My mom didn’t make things too often, so this was done with me in mind specifically, each piece sewn together has love in each and every stitch. 

The blanket is in the shape of “Flower”, the skunk from the movie “Bambi” – mostly pink with black to make the outline of the character. A touch of yellow in the flower in which it holds.. and white satin edges. Well, that’s what it used to look like anyway. The satin has been rubbed off by growing fingers, the material has faded and come apart from washing it for the past 30 years. But it is still the one I prefer when I’ve had a rough day. 

Recipe for unwinding: skunk blanket that was made with love, a warm cup of tea, milk and sugar, please. 1 good book, a movie might do, in either case the blanket must be present.

Thanks mom. 

Rusty… but I’m getting it, I think.

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Oy, I feel a bit rusty. 

They say that once you ride a bike you never forget how it’s done. Although this may be true, when out of practice one can be a little rusty. I had walked away from blogging for quite some time. I would approximate it to be about two years now. I would log in, want to write, wanting to express the heart ache, or share the laughter moments in my life… but I would type out a few words, and find that my tank was just empty. I felt as though I had no inspiration left in my soul. 

I managed a return, but my posting was still scattered – really only writing in the heat of a moment when I needed a release. Just a way to express a pent up emotion before I imploded or exploded whichever came first. It was a good start. 

Tonight my path crosses two souls that have touched my mine, warmed it a little, and now I see that part of me was merely in a deep, healing slumber. I want to express myself again with words from my heart, I just needed inspiration. Thank you I8it and TexasTidbits, you two are truly a breath of fresh air.